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couples_therapy: 23.1 Spark
Monday, 21 July 2008 06:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
doctortara
23.1 Spark
He’s lost the spark in his eyes. When he looks at me now, I can’t find that shine that I remember being drawn into that first night we met. The soft bluey-green is mixed with a heavy pain and I wonder now if they will ever shine again.
I don’t know how much more of this we can take. When your husband looks at you and asks with just an exhausted and helpless strain in his tone, ‘Why do things keep getting taken away?’, what do you say? I had no answers for him. I wish I knew so I could stop it and he would smile at me again the way he smiled at me on our wedding day. I want to take his grief and pain bunch it all up with my own so at least he finally stops hurting.
Will he ever stop hurting?
I just don’t know anymore.
I thought it was time for things to start turning around for us. We were happy, even though we knew we still had hurdles to jump before things truly started to feel ‘normal’ again. We had a picture-perfect wedding that we shared with everyone important in our lives, then a short time later discovered we had a baby on the way when we thought it was impossible.
Then it all had to come crashing down around us again. Why? Why us?
Why him?
This all started by one tiny little reaction – to take a bullet to save my life, but it has been nothing but pain and anguish since it happened. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. He’s lost everything for me. Would it have been better if the shooter got her target and I died? How can I change places with him so he doesn’t have to hurt anymore? Would he be perfectly fine now if we had never met? Did I kill our baby? I can’t stop this avalanche of irrational thoughts and I feel like they’re going to send me crazy.
Yet, no matter what and no matter when, if I reach out for him, he’s there to catch me and I think maybe – just maybe – we’re strong enough to make it through.
And maybe, if I hold on tight enough, that spark will come back for me and he’ll find that smile again.
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drcampbell referenced with permission]
Word Count | 391
He’s lost the spark in his eyes. When he looks at me now, I can’t find that shine that I remember being drawn into that first night we met. The soft bluey-green is mixed with a heavy pain and I wonder now if they will ever shine again.
I don’t know how much more of this we can take. When your husband looks at you and asks with just an exhausted and helpless strain in his tone, ‘Why do things keep getting taken away?’, what do you say? I had no answers for him. I wish I knew so I could stop it and he would smile at me again the way he smiled at me on our wedding day. I want to take his grief and pain bunch it all up with my own so at least he finally stops hurting.
Will he ever stop hurting?
I just don’t know anymore.
I thought it was time for things to start turning around for us. We were happy, even though we knew we still had hurdles to jump before things truly started to feel ‘normal’ again. We had a picture-perfect wedding that we shared with everyone important in our lives, then a short time later discovered we had a baby on the way when we thought it was impossible.
Then it all had to come crashing down around us again. Why? Why us?
Why him?
This all started by one tiny little reaction – to take a bullet to save my life, but it has been nothing but pain and anguish since it happened. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. He’s lost everything for me. Would it have been better if the shooter got her target and I died? How can I change places with him so he doesn’t have to hurt anymore? Would he be perfectly fine now if we had never met? Did I kill our baby? I can’t stop this avalanche of irrational thoughts and I feel like they’re going to send me crazy.
Yet, no matter what and no matter when, if I reach out for him, he’s there to catch me and I think maybe – just maybe – we’re strong enough to make it through.
And maybe, if I hold on tight enough, that spark will come back for me and he’ll find that smile again.
[
drcampbell referenced with permission]Word Count | 391